Friday, August 22, 2008

I Didn't Mean To: Reading the Fine Print

By Cold Chewy
Mark this up as experience is all I can rationally say. As you know millions of readers, I am on a career quest. In doing so, I have been hitting all the Internet sites of available jobs in the area. Everyday I hit it hard from the comfort of my own living room. It is quite easy and I have been finding a lot of different job opportunities. Now, however, the computer and myself have a relationship similar my marriage. We respect each other but sometimes we aren't on the same page. And once something is said, written, checked, or marked, and the SEND button is launched, it is out there forever.
Here's the completely insane part. I am applying for an editing position. One that requires me to look over other people's words and papers and whatever else they want me to read over for corrections or edit. Detail-oriented and all that jazz. Well...OK. So from the comfort of home, I fill out an application. I attach a resume and cover letter. I go through the painful, lengthy process of filling out the employment application and quickly read the other unimportant pages that require either a yes or no checked. Hell, who cares, right? Yes I agree to that. Yes, I comply to all that. Yes, I am a convicted felon. WHAT? I checked YES that I have been convicted of a crime other than a simple traffic violation or misdemeanor. OH S**T. F**K!!!!!! Now what have I done?????? I got an email back from this prestigious company, the company that employs about half of Iowa City and anyone who needs a job that knows how to write or edit. Yeah, they said they could not use a person who is a convicted felon. "BUT I'M NOT" I plead. "I simply checked the wrong box. I didn't read the fine print." My pleas go unheard. It doesn't matter. Now I may as well BE a convicted felon to them. Nothing I say or refill out will ever change that. Yes I checked. F**king YES I checked. So stupid. I am so stupid for not reading all the fine print. The boring print. The material I gaze at and say to myself, "too much boring stuff to think about much less read. " So I say to you my fellow readers, you too can be a convicted felon if you don't read the fine print. I guess I would not have been a very good EDITOR would I?


Casady Chicago said...

Wow, Chewy, that's terrible! I feel really bad for you. Or I will after I scrape myself off the floor and stop laughing. You really should be in a more creative writing area.

I need to speak to my brother. What kind of arch-criminal did he bring into the family??

Phelan S. said...

If she hadn't messed up, we would still not know who she is - the mysterious Halloween Bleeding Heart!

Angie said...'s the deal.
I was found guilty of embezzling.
embezzling myself out of having any self-respect.
Cold Chewy...the embezzler of self-respect.

Det. Black Dog said...

I hereby arrest you on the grounds of your arrested development!

You must re-pay all of the self-respect that you stole - give it back immediately!

Cold Chewy said...

I know. TOTALLY. It makes my incontinence act up.
Where did Loon put the depends?